I was recently brought up for parole review and denied again. Not for any type of misbehavior on my part since I've been locked up, quite to the contrary. What I've done for myself since I've been in would have earned me parole in most other states. I was denied parole first and foremost due to the nature and circumstances of what I did.
I take full responsibility for my crime (arson). It was a terribly stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing to do and I thank God the results were not much worse. I will always remind myself of that, long after my sentence is complete.
To a much lesser extent, but still a very strong contributing factor to my being denied parole, as well as thousands of other inmates who are denied parole each month in Texas, is the fact that Texas is Prison-Industry State. In other words - Big Business, which means big financial reasons to keep its 100+ prison units full. Combine that fact with Texas being the leader of the south's "retributive" outlook on criminal justice as opposed to the north's "rehabilitative" outlook and you'll see why Texas is in the situation it's in. Massive prison overcrowding, the state going broke paying for it, and thousands of inmates who would be released in other states yet are stuck as financial burdens on the Texas taxpayers by the unchecked, unregulated, unsupervised parole commission who answer to only the governor of Texas. Not to the citizens of Texas, who pay the bills and wait for their loved ones.
During this parole review process I learned that my ex-wife (who was not involved in any way in the crime for which I'm serving time) wrote the parole board to protest my release. She claimed I was posting on the internet threats of kidnapping my daughter upon my release. She can only be talking about this blog site, and as anyone can see for themselves, I haven't threatened anyone. She said she and my daughter both fear for their safety, and don't want me released. I imagine she thought her protest would be confidential.
In a previous posting, I explained how my ex-wife's focus is centered on trying to present me to everyone, especially my daughter, as a terrible threat, and how important it is for her to protect and "save" my daughter from me. This martyr role she creates is a learned behavior she grew up watching, which she thinks will bring her the sympathy, attention and drama she craves. She presented the same behavior in court when my parental rights were taken away. She claimed under oath that I threatened to kidnap my daughter and flee to Mexico! What probably happened was her lawyer told her they needed to portray me as a real threat, so she created this kidnapping idea and continues to use it.
I was sure hoping to be released this summer, so I can finally get back to my life, but for whatever reason, it must wait another year. I will then have only a few months left of my sentence and I'll walk out a completely free man. Considering I have an ex-wife inclined to making false accusations about me and who is hell-bent on trying to keep me locked up, it's probably to my advantage to finish my sentence. Then I won't be vulnerable to a malicious phone call to a parole officer that would cause my parole to be revoked. It's better to not provide her that opportunity. So, I will continue to make myself a better, smarter, stronger person by learning more skills that I can add to the services I'll offer when I reopen my automotive business upon my release.
I am not and have not ever threatened anyone with anything. I would reiterate in more detail but I gave my word to the girl I love more than anything in this world that I would "leave things alone" and I intend to never again let her down.
I hope by sharing this clear example of exaggerated paranoia others will keep more of an open mind about me and recognize they have been presented a distorted and inaccurate picture of me and are being manipulated.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
4-25-11
I am so very sorry for everything.
I wish she could see, since our contact stopped so abruptly, and so much has happened since then, I just had to put it out into the world how I felt about her, as well as my wishing to know her feelings for me. I'm so very sorry for ever causing her to feel anything but happiness, but I don't blame her. I deserve it for what all I've put her through and have done. I will respect her wishes of leaving her alone, if that is what she wants.
If I could tell her, I would just want her to please know and remember this:
I still do and always will unconditionally love her more than anything.
She has my promise of that to her in writing. I have been and will forever continue to do everything in my ability to become once again a person and father who she would want in her life, and who she can love again. I will do whatever it takes for the chance at her love and forgiveness: even if it means I must leave her alone while I get there. No matter what happens, or how long it takes, I will always be thinking of her and working toward becoming worthy of being in her life again.
I built my own success 20 years ago and I am even more determined for success now than I was then. I'll have success again and this time I won't blow it. I hope she can please keep an open mind toward the possibility of forgiving me because I won't cause her to regret it.
She is always in my heart and always invited into my life if and when she chooses.
If I could, I would tell her to please say her prayers and I hope she has a strong personal relationship with her Father in Heaven; that's so important. If I could, I'd tell her to "Take care of yourself and keep smiling: You're such a beautiful girl. I love you and this is not goodbye."
Love, Dad
I wish she could see, since our contact stopped so abruptly, and so much has happened since then, I just had to put it out into the world how I felt about her, as well as my wishing to know her feelings for me. I'm so very sorry for ever causing her to feel anything but happiness, but I don't blame her. I deserve it for what all I've put her through and have done. I will respect her wishes of leaving her alone, if that is what she wants.
If I could tell her, I would just want her to please know and remember this:
I still do and always will unconditionally love her more than anything.
She has my promise of that to her in writing. I have been and will forever continue to do everything in my ability to become once again a person and father who she would want in her life, and who she can love again. I will do whatever it takes for the chance at her love and forgiveness: even if it means I must leave her alone while I get there. No matter what happens, or how long it takes, I will always be thinking of her and working toward becoming worthy of being in her life again.
I built my own success 20 years ago and I am even more determined for success now than I was then. I'll have success again and this time I won't blow it. I hope she can please keep an open mind toward the possibility of forgiving me because I won't cause her to regret it.
She is always in my heart and always invited into my life if and when she chooses.
If I could, I would tell her to please say her prayers and I hope she has a strong personal relationship with her Father in Heaven; that's so important. If I could, I'd tell her to "Take care of yourself and keep smiling: You're such a beautiful girl. I love you and this is not goodbye."
Love, Dad
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
03/15/11
If I could I would let my daughter know that, no matter what:
1. I still love her more than words can say and always will.
2. I miss her so much and I think about her every day.
3. I am so terribly sorry for all the heartache I’ve caused her.
4. I will do anything and everything I possibly can to try to make up to her for all the suffering I’ve caused her.
5. I pray that she remembers enough of our life together that she might be willing to let me earn the chance to be in her life again someday.
My daughter is being kept away from me under the guise of “protection”, when in reality there is no father on earth who loves their daughter more or who will go the lengths to really protect their daughter as I would. I’m not someone she needs to fear. I hope she is able to put aside all the disparaging things that are continually told about me and remember back to our life together, how close we were, our feelings for each other; then I believe she too will know she doesn’t need “protection” from me.
Shortly after my incarceration began, I received a letter from my ex-wife telling me I should “forget about” my daughter. She said she would no longer allow any contact between me and my daughter. Two years later, while still incarcerated, she brought me back to court. She and my ex-mother-in-law both took the stand to testify that “no” I did not deserve to be in my daughter’s life. Due to my vulnerability of being locked up, all my parental rights to her were terminated: not because of anything I did to her directly. She also saw to it that my daughter was not in court so we were denied the chance to say goodbye. Two years after that I tried to send my daughter a card for her graduation from Jr. High School. In response, my ex-wife contacted the prison system and made it so I can no longer write directly to my daughter. She also arranged so that any would-be letters to me from my daughter would be denied and returned. In other words my daughter couldn’t write me if she wanted to.
I imagine there continues to be an effort to not only keep me and my daughter apart, but to completely turn her feelings against me. I pray they have not and do not succeed. I cannot and will not simply “forget about” someone I love. Most certainly not my daughter, whom I love with my whole heart.
My daughter has every right to be upset with me. I would not blame her a bit for any unpleasant feelings she may feel toward me. I deserve every bit for how much I’ve let her down and the suffering I’ve caused her by being away. I’m so very sorry. I pray for her forgiveness, as well as the chance to be in her life again.
Whatever she wants, whatever her feelings are, I will respect and accommodate them.
If she wants me out of her life for good, as difficult as it would be to accept, I would respect her wishes.
If she wants me to “hurry-up and get my life together” so I can be in her life again, I’d tell her “Well, hang in there Sweetheart, I’m coming.”
Because we are being kept apart, I’m glad to have the opportunity to express my feelings for her, so there is no question; I love my daughter more than anything and I just want to be in her life again.
“Forever, Your Dad”
1. I still love her more than words can say and always will.
2. I miss her so much and I think about her every day.
3. I am so terribly sorry for all the heartache I’ve caused her.
4. I will do anything and everything I possibly can to try to make up to her for all the suffering I’ve caused her.
5. I pray that she remembers enough of our life together that she might be willing to let me earn the chance to be in her life again someday.
My daughter is being kept away from me under the guise of “protection”, when in reality there is no father on earth who loves their daughter more or who will go the lengths to really protect their daughter as I would. I’m not someone she needs to fear. I hope she is able to put aside all the disparaging things that are continually told about me and remember back to our life together, how close we were, our feelings for each other; then I believe she too will know she doesn’t need “protection” from me.
Shortly after my incarceration began, I received a letter from my ex-wife telling me I should “forget about” my daughter. She said she would no longer allow any contact between me and my daughter. Two years later, while still incarcerated, she brought me back to court. She and my ex-mother-in-law both took the stand to testify that “no” I did not deserve to be in my daughter’s life. Due to my vulnerability of being locked up, all my parental rights to her were terminated: not because of anything I did to her directly. She also saw to it that my daughter was not in court so we were denied the chance to say goodbye. Two years after that I tried to send my daughter a card for her graduation from Jr. High School. In response, my ex-wife contacted the prison system and made it so I can no longer write directly to my daughter. She also arranged so that any would-be letters to me from my daughter would be denied and returned. In other words my daughter couldn’t write me if she wanted to.
I imagine there continues to be an effort to not only keep me and my daughter apart, but to completely turn her feelings against me. I pray they have not and do not succeed. I cannot and will not simply “forget about” someone I love. Most certainly not my daughter, whom I love with my whole heart.
My daughter has every right to be upset with me. I would not blame her a bit for any unpleasant feelings she may feel toward me. I deserve every bit for how much I’ve let her down and the suffering I’ve caused her by being away. I’m so very sorry. I pray for her forgiveness, as well as the chance to be in her life again.
Whatever she wants, whatever her feelings are, I will respect and accommodate them.
If she wants me out of her life for good, as difficult as it would be to accept, I would respect her wishes.
If she wants me to “hurry-up and get my life together” so I can be in her life again, I’d tell her “Well, hang in there Sweetheart, I’m coming.”
Because we are being kept apart, I’m glad to have the opportunity to express my feelings for her, so there is no question; I love my daughter more than anything and I just want to be in her life again.
“Forever, Your Dad”
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
2-7-11
If I could talk to my daughter, I would tell her that I love her dearly and miss her more than words can say. I'm always thinking about her, and I love her and I hope she had a great Holiday Season.
I'm so very sorry to her that I'm not there for her. I would hope that she please knew I'm doing everything in my power to get myself to where I can be in her life again, as soon as I possibly can. In the meantime, I would tell her to hang in there.
I know high school isn't always easy, and isn't always fun, but I would tell her to try not to let it get to her. The bad or tough stuff is something we all face during high school. I would remind her that a very very smart 7 year old little girl told me once, when I asked her how she handles the tough stuff, she told me "Ah, I just don't think about it." Then, when I asked her how she got so strong, she though for a moment and said "We're doing pull-ups in gym class!" That was a very wise little girl. Now she's an extremely smart, very beautiful young woman who can do and achieve anything her heart desires.
I would tell her to keep up the good work, remember to say her prayers and even if others around her are sour, to not let them affect her sweet spirit. If I could, I would tell her to "Hang in there Sweetheart, it will all be ok. Please always remember your dad loves you very much, and always will." And as long as she'll let me, I'll be coming to be in her life again someday soon and all my effort will be to make right all in her life I've caused to be wrong.
I would tell her "I love you forever, Your Dad"
I'm so very sorry to her that I'm not there for her. I would hope that she please knew I'm doing everything in my power to get myself to where I can be in her life again, as soon as I possibly can. In the meantime, I would tell her to hang in there.
I know high school isn't always easy, and isn't always fun, but I would tell her to try not to let it get to her. The bad or tough stuff is something we all face during high school. I would remind her that a very very smart 7 year old little girl told me once, when I asked her how she handles the tough stuff, she told me "Ah, I just don't think about it." Then, when I asked her how she got so strong, she though for a moment and said "We're doing pull-ups in gym class!" That was a very wise little girl. Now she's an extremely smart, very beautiful young woman who can do and achieve anything her heart desires.
I would tell her to keep up the good work, remember to say her prayers and even if others around her are sour, to not let them affect her sweet spirit. If I could, I would tell her to "Hang in there Sweetheart, it will all be ok. Please always remember your dad loves you very much, and always will." And as long as she'll let me, I'll be coming to be in her life again someday soon and all my effort will be to make right all in her life I've caused to be wrong.
I would tell her "I love you forever, Your Dad"
Monday, August 23, 2010
If I had the chance, I'd tell her:
If I had the chance, I'd tell her:
"Hey there Sweetheart, I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I miss you, how much I love you and Happy 15th Birthday Princess!"
I think about her always, especially during the summer months because our birthdays are only a month apart. I remember her as such a sweet, smart, beautiful little girl, and now she's a sweet, smart, beautiful young woman. I hope she enjoyed her freshman year, it gets better this next year.
I want her to know that she is always in my thoughts, prayers and in my heart. I'm so sorry for so very much that has happened, and for what she's had to endure. I wish I could tell her: "Sweetheart, I won't be gone forever and when I do get out, I am determined to do everything I can to be worthy of being in your life again." I pray that she'll be willing to give me the chance. She and I were once so close, such good buddies, and I'm so terribly sorry I messed that up. If I'm given the chance again to be in her life, I will do everything I can to try to make everything right again. I love her and miss her so much, I hope she still remembers me.
I'd tell her to "Stay strong, Honey, keep up the good work in school, and say your prayers, Princess, that's very important. Good luck to you this school year. You're always in my thoughts, and please remember that your Daddy loves you very much. Happy Birthday Pretty Girl! Love you always, Your Dad"
"Hey there Sweetheart, I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I miss you, how much I love you and Happy 15th Birthday Princess!"
I think about her always, especially during the summer months because our birthdays are only a month apart. I remember her as such a sweet, smart, beautiful little girl, and now she's a sweet, smart, beautiful young woman. I hope she enjoyed her freshman year, it gets better this next year.
I want her to know that she is always in my thoughts, prayers and in my heart. I'm so sorry for so very much that has happened, and for what she's had to endure. I wish I could tell her: "Sweetheart, I won't be gone forever and when I do get out, I am determined to do everything I can to be worthy of being in your life again." I pray that she'll be willing to give me the chance. She and I were once so close, such good buddies, and I'm so terribly sorry I messed that up. If I'm given the chance again to be in her life, I will do everything I can to try to make everything right again. I love her and miss her so much, I hope she still remembers me.
I'd tell her to "Stay strong, Honey, keep up the good work in school, and say your prayers, Princess, that's very important. Good luck to you this school year. You're always in my thoughts, and please remember that your Daddy loves you very much. Happy Birthday Pretty Girl! Love you always, Your Dad"
Friday, June 25, 2010
Hey there Sweetheart
If I could talk with my daughter, I would tell her that I miss her so much, I just want her to know that I am always thinking about her and love her so very much. Each day that goes by brings me one day closer to getting out of this place, and putting my life back together so that someday I can be a part of her life again.
I know a lot of time has passed since we've been together and she's had to learn to live without me. I am so terribly sorry for that. So much time has passed since we've been together that it wouldn't surprise me if she found it difficult to remember very much of me at all. I'm terribly sorry for that. What keeps me going is my faith in the strong, loving foundataion of our relationship that was set during the years we were together. I pray that when she does try to think of me, that she does remember the feelings of how close we were and how much I love her.
I told her then that it was forever and I still mean that. She is always on my mind. She is my "Princess".
Once I am able, I will do everything I possibly can to rebuild what she and I once had. I keep faith, and I hope she does as well, that we can be that close again.
She won't have to be without her Dad for too much longer.
I hope she had a fun and enjoyable Freshman year! I hope it wasn't so bad. It only gets better from here, so I hope she enjoys her summer vacation and has a great next year!
I would tell her to "Keep up all the good work with your schoolwork, your sports, your music, and all else, honey. You're so wonderful, you make me so proud of you."
If I could, I would like to tell her: "Take Care Princess, please always know that I love you so very much, I'm always thinking of you, and we'll be in each other's life again someday soon."
I love her so much,
"Dad"
I know a lot of time has passed since we've been together and she's had to learn to live without me. I am so terribly sorry for that. So much time has passed since we've been together that it wouldn't surprise me if she found it difficult to remember very much of me at all. I'm terribly sorry for that. What keeps me going is my faith in the strong, loving foundataion of our relationship that was set during the years we were together. I pray that when she does try to think of me, that she does remember the feelings of how close we were and how much I love her.
I told her then that it was forever and I still mean that. She is always on my mind. She is my "Princess".
Once I am able, I will do everything I possibly can to rebuild what she and I once had. I keep faith, and I hope she does as well, that we can be that close again.
She won't have to be without her Dad for too much longer.
I hope she had a fun and enjoyable Freshman year! I hope it wasn't so bad. It only gets better from here, so I hope she enjoys her summer vacation and has a great next year!
I would tell her to "Keep up all the good work with your schoolwork, your sports, your music, and all else, honey. You're so wonderful, you make me so proud of you."
If I could, I would like to tell her: "Take Care Princess, please always know that I love you so very much, I'm always thinking of you, and we'll be in each other's life again someday soon."
I love her so much,
"Dad"
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Poem, Written November 7 2007
If I had known, during our last time together, that it would be this long before I'd see you again...
I would have held my kiss to your cheek, a moment longer.
I would have held your hand, and not let go.
I would have run my fingers through your hair, one more time.
I would have squeezed you in my arms, a little tighter.
I would have taken in one last breath of the smell of your shampoo.
I woul have softly touched your cheek with the back of my fingers.
I would have quietly whispered "I love you" in your ear, close enough for you to feel the butterfly kisses of my lashes.
I would have smiled my best, sneaky devilish smile, the one that would always make you smile and giggle.
I would have then taken a snapshot in my mind's eye of that moment, and kept that picture safely tucked away, next to my heart, for times like this to look at when I miss you so very much.
I won't miss my next chance at these things, and oh how I so look forward to them. Love Forever.
I would have held my kiss to your cheek, a moment longer.
I would have held your hand, and not let go.
I would have run my fingers through your hair, one more time.
I would have squeezed you in my arms, a little tighter.
I would have taken in one last breath of the smell of your shampoo.
I woul have softly touched your cheek with the back of my fingers.
I would have quietly whispered "I love you" in your ear, close enough for you to feel the butterfly kisses of my lashes.
I would have smiled my best, sneaky devilish smile, the one that would always make you smile and giggle.
I would have then taken a snapshot in my mind's eye of that moment, and kept that picture safely tucked away, next to my heart, for times like this to look at when I miss you so very much.
I won't miss my next chance at these things, and oh how I so look forward to them. Love Forever.
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